Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
