Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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