Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
