I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
