Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
