I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Randomize
