New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
