i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
