At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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