I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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