Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
