I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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