Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
