I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
