2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My sheets look like a crime scene.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
