life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
