dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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