i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
