I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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