How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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