your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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