She is in my trunk
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
