my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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