She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
