I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
