HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
