wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
