I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
