Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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