I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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