Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
