What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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