I think im going to throw up on grandma
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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