i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Everyone says I win the strip club
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
