Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
