her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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