I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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