Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
