entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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