I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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