I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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