you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
