If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
