When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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