Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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