Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
