Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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