i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
two words...techno handjob
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
