I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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