matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
