i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
