I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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