remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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