I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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