My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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