I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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