Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
