Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
