i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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